


Like the sea

by Morethancupcake



Series: Sugar and spice [19]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, M/M, Past Balthazar/Castiel, Widowed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 02:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2834594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Last night, Castiel had sent him away, because it had been too much, because he couldn't deal." </p>
<p>Christmas is a little overwhelming for Castiel. It's a time to remember his late husband, and to accept he has moved on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like the sea

**Author's Note:**

> day 19 : throwing/attending a holiday party

Dean is like the sea. At first, Castiel had been terrified, and couldn't let himself get close, because he knew, he just knew Dean was a force of nature. A pagan God. A piece of the divine.   
Dean is young, and strong, and fast. Dean laughs with his mouth open, his head defying the stars, his teeth ready to devour the world and Castiel is mesmerized.

Last night, Castiel had sent him away, because it had been too much, because he couldn't deal. It had been too much, to buy Christmas presents and bicker about the cake deposit. To make love in the shower, and to watch Dean's baby niece coo at him in delight on the phone's screen.   
It had just been a mug, and Dean had apologized, with huge pleading eyes. Balthazar's mug. Dean couldn't know. How could he possibly know it had been their anniversary gift, when they were still poor students living off scraps and love. Forgotten in the back of the cupboard, a relic of another life.  
He had sent Dean away, because suddenly it had been too overwhelming, to think about the Christmas party Balthazar would insist they had to host every year, and the smile in his eyes afterwards, when he would clean the expensive wine glasses with warm water and pricey soap, singing softly.

Balthazar had been his sun, his husband, his everything.

Now Balthazar was gone, and Castiel was getting ready for a party at his new lover's family house, and it was just too hard to accept a love had replaced another. 

Now he loves Dean, and had been buying gifts for him and his family. His heart is broken in two neat pieces, a small bleeding one full of Balthazar and the life they had, and their nights, and the future he had been robbed of. And a bigger, stronger one, full of hope. Full of Dean's green eyes and his freckles, the way he would craddle Castiel's face in his palms and kiss him softly, the way he said I love you as if it was an evidence.

Chocolates and whiskey, for John and Mary. Books for Sam and Jess. A mobile for baby Mary. Everything wrapped in beautiful paper and hapy feelings. Castiel is happy, and he shouldn't be happy. He can't be happy. How can he possibly be happy.  
His sun his gone, and he wakes up with another now. He wakes up to freckles and green eyes, and he kisses him, an incantation against Death. Each pass of his lips a promise to keep his young and beautiful love next to him, for as long Dean might want him.

Castiel feels ancient when he watches Dean laugh with his brother, talk to his friends. Castiel feels lucky to be the center of Dean's attention. It won't last, of course it can't. They're not so far in age, but Castiel knows the life he had before makes him ageless compared to young and insolent Dean. One day Dean will fix his gaze on another, and Castiel will have to expiate his sins. One day, Dean will stop fighting demons.

He sits in the kitchen, Balthazar's mug in pieces on the other side of the room. The gifts are in bags, waiting next to the door, but Castiel just can't move.  
Dean will hate him.  
Dean will leave him.

Dean, who is now at the kitchen door, knocking softly. His eyes are red, and Castiel thinks he's crying, too. Dean smiles, and he reaches for him, holding him close. 

Dean is like the sea, he holds life, he rocks Castiel to the shore and makes him feel safe, and loved.

"I forgot how hard it gets, during this time, Cas. I'm sorry."

Castiel wants to talk. Wants to say he's sorry, wants to beg for Dean to forgive him, to leave him, to stay and never let go.

"Mom says we should come by after Christmas, she'll make a smaller thing just for us." Dean his holding his head in his palm, warming him up. "I know you love him. I know you miss him. I'm sorry Cas. I'm so sorry." The green eyes are sweet and genuine. Dean loves Balthazar as a part of Castiel, completely and with no questions.

"I love you, Dean. I'm sorry I made you leave." His fingers are searching for Dean's skin. Just to remind him he's alive. He can't let himself be a ghost again, after all these years.

"It's okay, Cas. It's okay, went to Sam. No big deal."

"It is. No one should be cast away from their home. Especially before Christmas." Dean smile is a little hesitant, but so beautiful. His strong and courageous man, slaying ghosts and dragons, for him. 

"You can't keep me away, dude. You're home." The last words are whispered against his lips, and Castiel forgets about Dean gaze upon another soul. He's Dean's and Dean is his. 

Dean kisses him, and Castiel lets himself go. He's drowning in warmth and love. 

Dean is like the sea.

**Author's Note:**

> I guess now you all know I'm a sucker for past Balthazar/Castiel !


End file.
